| Right?? |
[13 Sep 2004|09:58am] |
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The innocent never hide and only the guilty run
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| i don't want to lose heart |
[08 Sep 2004|09:56am] |
i remember a time when i used to trust everyone.
How stupid was I then, or how stupid am I now?
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| and we called it THE DEATH MARCH |
[31 Aug 2004|02:14pm] |
"It began with the flight of the death bird"
20 miles 1 way...no trails...6 summits...8 lakes...12,000+ altitudes...estimated time: 10 hours...1 day trip, alpine style...fears: rock slides, lightening stikes, dehydration (again), altitude sickness (again), getting lost/getting hurt...biggest fear: HAVING TO TURN BACK...
THE DEATH MARCH was completed on August 30th of 2004
ASK ME ABOUT IT
(not online)
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| .. |
[18 Aug 2004|08:02pm] |
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who said absence makes the heart grow fonder?
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| .. |
[17 Aug 2004|11:04am] |
Paradise is broken
now its just another day
made for wishing
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| The 2nd Coming! |
[23 Jul 2004|08:56am] |
"...the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first."
4 days until my return
Be prepared!
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| and they wonder why... |
[17 Jul 2004|01:00am] |
today was amazing..Boys Night Out concert on the list..a good ol' jesse + 5 ...how incredible is that..and then after they played..conner gladly threw me 6 free t-shirts for me and everyone that came out...
then theres my band...i ask them to send out maybe a couple free cd's and maybe a couple t's..REMIND YOU THIS IS THE BAND I'M IN...and they're awesome enough to say, "i'll send em but you'll have to charge everyone and pay the shipping"...
Wow what nice fuckin guys!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??
if you ever wonder why i hate my own band..theres your fuckin answer..
goodnight...
sincerely wishin members of my own band quit being ANAL,
-jesse
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| 17 days from now... |
[10 Jul 2004|09:01pm] |
in exactly 17 days from now...begining at 2 in the morning i'm going to attempt to climb a mountain whose summit is above 14,000 feet...which is far above tree line and up in the snow... 8 people died last year climbing this mountain..2 of which BLEW off the top..thats right the fuckin wind lifted their bodies and threw them over the side... wish me luck...
love u all,
-jesse
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| Top Gun Here I Come! |
[20 Jun 2004|12:04am] |
Seriously....guess who was the only employee to get emergency helicoptor landing training??? THIS DIRTY MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT HERE!!! ahhahaah its ridiculious..in the event of an emergency i am authorized to land a helicoptor (not fly it of course but close roads and bring my bird boys down safely)...not only that but they officially authorized me to TACKLE anyone and everyone who steps inside of the helicoptor landing space..so you fuckin know i'm running out and buying mace and a tazor and the first gutsy tourist who steps within a hundred feet of my chopter is being put down like the son of a bitch they are...its so awesome..!!
i've successfully convinced a good majority of my co-workers that i'm a supervisor...its awesome..so i just stay on break and tell them to do what i should be doing...but i'm there for them if they need me...a shepherd must tend to his sheep u know??
so get this...last year 9 people were killed by lightening where i work...2 years ago a boy was killed by a mountain lion..and the year before that a man was seriously injured by a bear...and in between the westnile, ticks, and fatile mouse poop I'M LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!!!
yesterday was beautiful....my store is literally above the clouds...so on the drive up there you go through tons of fog/ sleet/ snow/ rain/ thunder/ and shit like that...but once you reach a certain point...it all just stops and you're lookin down on the storm...there is sunlight above the storm..its fuckin BEAUTIFUL!..i ain't a poet so i'm not goin to try and explain...
I LOVE LIFE...
peace,
-jesse
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| What you've all been missing.. |
[08 Jun 2004|10:58am] |
about a week ago i almost died...no, don't laugh..i'm serious...the store i work at is at the top of a mountain..u know when you look at pictures of mt's and you see the snowy cap...yeah just imagine a store, about the size of a 7 11, being placed up there with one road leading to it and thats where i work..it was like my third day of work and we had to evacuate the store..a huge snow storm was heading in and the rangers were moving us out...so i hoped in the rig with my boss SLOAN and began heading down...the snow was crazy and the roads were icy..mind you up here for some reason they do not build guard rails...anyways to cut a long story short...SLOAN, my hero, was heading down the mt a little to quick and decided to downshift on a patch of ice...our van went fish tailing like a mother fucker! it swung a good 8 times! on a two lane road with no guard rails and straight down cliff drop offs! i kissed my hairy ass good bye..i seriously looked at my door to make sure it was unlocked cause i thought i was goin to have to bail...it was INSANE!..lucky SLOAN lived up to his legend and regained control of the rig...I WAS SO SCARED!!
now get this..a couple days ago..i was driving the rig down back from work...(we take four 15 passanger vans to work) and on the way down there were a bunch of cops going the opposite way..i mean like 7 or 8 cops cars...then a little further down...a fuckin armored car...then shortly after that, a fuckin SWAT VAN and a HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION VAN!! don't worry i looked for Colin Farrel and Kevin Spacey but i had no luck..i almost spun a Youyyyy to follow them, but i decided it was in my jobs best interest not to...but when we got back to the fort...i found out that...some guy BUILT i repeat BUILT a fuckin armored bulldozer and began funnin down city buildings with a machine gun about 20 miles from our store!!! HOLY SHIT u know!! but dont' worry the cops PUT HIM DOWN...but seriously..HOLY SHIT!! life is insane out here...
in closing..i love you all...
later,
-jesse
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| a mistake... |
[29 May 2004|05:04pm] |
you should have never shown me- private posts...never tell a shy man that he doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to..HE WON'T... "private post killed the live journal star"
"this place, should not be real, and to think...i am here"
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| Just so its known |
[12 Apr 2004|06:33pm] |
when i write..i use a lot of situations that never happened literally or to represent something else....metaphors and such....and most of it is unclear for a reason...but please don't ever come up to me and say "YOU HIT A DOG?"....(not punched, but driving)....my good ol' sister did this at the dinner table today..WONDERFUL!..and then when i'm like "No, I DID NOT HIT A FUCKIN DOG" ..she looks at me like i'm lieing...ridiculious...just make sure when you read things (if anyone does even read this) that you don't take things to literally...they'll make sense to some and not to others..i write them that way for a reason...
well thats it...be sure to vote...i hear Hitlers not running this year so i guess i'll have to vote for Bush again ;)
-jesse
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| The juice is worth the squeeze |
[09 Apr 2004|10:49pm] |
it could be real right?? not just the comfort of words and the feelings they define..something so surreal, like jumping strait into a pool instead of tip toeing...that initial shock when you hit the water and go under and it takes a good 5 seconds before you even know if the water is cold or WAY TO FUCKIN COLD..your heart is beating so quick for those 5 seconds it doesn't even matter..you're floating weightlessly from heights so high that all problems look to small to even concern yourself with...
"i knew it was him" 5 seconds before they told you...when its no longer just huntches..that brief moment before its spelled out for you...the joy and excitement you get as you feel as if you're piecing it together...scotch tape would never hold, its just you never saw it as a whole...
the whole time i'm thinkin..it doesn't make sense...the #'s don't add up, but it works...knowing that the numerator is bigger than the denominator is unsettling..but it works...and sometimes by trying to change it to lowest terms it just destroys the beauty of it..like people for their qualities, but love them for their flaws..
sometimes you find a reason not to leave, but more importantly, you find a reason to come back
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| don't move until u see it |
[04 Apr 2004|07:14pm] |
at a lack of words,
her beauty remains silent,
the conversation stops,
their hearts race,
in between the rising and collapsing,
her lungs whisper,
am I beautiful,
you stare,
like theres something i'm hiding,
its all here,
if you don't see it,
don't worry,
because neither do I,
but if you do,
if you really do see something,
something more than I see,
with the sharp end of your lips,
give me a kiss,
if it looks like it hurts,
its because it does,
but don't stop,
don't ever stop,
i need to know,
i need to know theres something more,
don't tell me there is,
don't give it the flattery of discription,
don't give it the luxury of detail,
just show me,
show me what i never saw,
give to me what i never felt,
share with me what i never had,
take from me what i never wanted,
show, give, share, take,
i don't care,
just don't leave me standing here...
-jesse
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| Corason de Oro |
[01 Apr 2004|09:13am] |
it is starving,
nothing i do will make it stop,
like a baby crying,
i don't know what it wants,
it is leaking,
spilling all my thoughts,
slowly beating,
it has given them so much,
never resting,
it only wants to stop..
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| 'The Girl Next Door' |
[22 Mar 2004|08:42am] |
let me tell you about the sleeper hit of '04.... 'The Girl Next Door' ! AMAZING! now when i say amazing i know many people think 6th sense, requiem for a dream, momento, donny darko AMAZING!... and by that i mean the amazing that just ties everything together with some surprise ending..u know the whole artsy bit...the most amazing thing about this movie is there are thousands of movies like it..but heres the catch...THEY WERE ALL MADE IN THE 80's! now if you love the movies of the 80's like i do..then this is a must see..i swear you could easily replace the actor in this movie with an early christian slater and not even notice a difference..its INSANE!!...i'll be honest...its been years, thats right YEARS, since i've walked out of a movie feeling this good..my advice to everyone, GO SEE IT..don't expect anything more than what the previews give you because its more than enough to make a sad man smile!
i don't want to jump the gun or anything, i don't usually make decisions like this until i've seen the movie a second or third time at the show, but i'm pretty sure this movie has made its way onto 'Jesse's all time favorite movie love stories' ...right up there with:
1) braveheart
2) unfaithful
3) true romance
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| The Season of the Ninja |
[10 Mar 2004|01:06pm] |
as stoney creek slowly thaws, so do my joints..
as the rusted gates creek open,
the pond stretches its arms and legs to the shore,
the trees whistle,
as a swift breeze lends itself to their wet lips,
the clouds are sliced open like an orange,
the sun,
sharp as an angel dressed better than the truth,
taking center stage,
the flowers and roses bloom,
for it is she,
who dances with the moon,
on the softest of all blades,
we sleep and dream,
the clouds play charades,
and the skyline recedes,
in the shadows,
is where we breath..
-jesse
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| entries like this have no end..take me out of the box and show me where the path leads. |
[07 Mar 2004|11:31pm] |
sometimes it feels like happiness is only a distraction..a rattle held in front of people who settle for the simplicity of things without question...whats the goal-happiness? because in all honesty the more i question things the less i see the importance of it...maybe its because i've been spoiled my whole life- i've been happy, i'm not complaining but just questioning...and maybe thats not what i'm lookin for anymore...not solely in relationships, but everything... the unknown, learning new things, meeting new people, going new places, eating new things..its addictive and keeps things moving, but is that it??..or through these engagements, would happiness be the outcome??
defining happiness i would start by defining its opposite...and unhappiness i would define as: "the hurting of others for self benefit"...
and i believe by the avoidance of unhappiness, that HAPPINESS will be found...
a poker game..2 equal pairs are layed down by opponents...kings over jacks against kings over jacks...both equal hands...but a decision has to be made...so the choice goes to a 3rd variable..a high card...the 5th card...originally having very little to do with the strength of the hand..by the definition of 'unhappiness' this is a lose/lose situation..because if you were to just split the pot (not lettuce you hippies) both sides would feel cheated or unfulfilled with the decision...so in all fairness..based on the most irrelevant of all things a winner is declared...nothing to do with the strength of the hand...this same situation takes place in people...and the determining factor goes to irrelevant things such as history, compatiability, convienence, commonality (i think i just made that word up)..these things being non-beneficial, but more like a high card, just something to make a choice so the game will continue...and in that..sadly a decision was made...there was no choice...and with that, unhappiness sets in...and the apology goes to forgiveness..cause i'm sorry i fooled you into forgiving me..
for the sake of arguement..is it fair to say that happiness is of little importance, UNHAPPINESS IS OF GREAT IMPORTANCE, and all is settled in decision??
do u know what has always made me happy??
if i was peter pan tryin to hold onto a happy thought so i could fly, what would my thought be?? if something as simple as a thought could make me fly, would i be able to hold on to it??
i feel like all my happiest of thoughts would those events like movies..and by movies, i mean your basic love story, where all you get from a movie is the love, the disaster, and the triumph...NO END..they just cut it..dream of the rest...that makes for good movies, and good memories..HOW NIEVE?? HOW REMARKABLE!...to tresure something as simple as that...is it a predestined belief of happiness? or only bestowed in us as the TEXT BOOK belief for what makes us happy?? chicken or the egg?? happiness defined the movie, or the movie defined happiness??
i guess i should be grateful for the poker game that played out like a movie, shy of the credits rolling and hold onto it like a sword...
BECAUSE BY DEFINITION THE ONLY ONE WHO SHOULD BE UNHAPPY IS MYSELF, AND FOR THAT I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL..
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| if my life was based on what my heart wanted, i wouldn't have let go.. |
[04 Mar 2004|12:57am] |
I have no explanations. theres is no reason. i always looked at myself as a believer in love,romance, the whole movie love story bullshit. to sum it up, we all are lookin for it in the long run. what for? to much of a good thing is bad for you, that fuckin wise man knew his shit. cause the truth is, when a good thing does come our way, who the fuck knows what to do with it. i've had it come my way more times than i deserve. i honestly only know how to fuck things up. and hate myself for it.
i used to work at this party store up at the corner. 17 and ryan to be exact. kims party store. my first job. if you'd call it that. around like 8th grade i believe. one of my other friends worked there. and as a kid i spent every day in that fuckin party store. every summer day consisted of collecting bottles and bullshit and ridin up there and buyin whatever. the stupid bullshit. they knew me. i was so happy to get the job there because i loved it there. the 2nd day i was workin, still in training, my friend was tellin me how easy it was to steal beer out the back of the store. me in 8th grade (or for about the course of 2 weeks, that phase of my life) of course i said FUCK YEAH, i'll call some friends, get as much as you can out the back door and then when we walk home we'll grab it.
the stores closing, and our beer is outside by that backdoor. he walks us to the front door, asks us about our ride, No mr. Kim we're walkin, ok you boys be safe, take it easy mr. kim.
WE DID it, scott free, beer in hand, we're on our way. as we're walkin away my friends met us up there. steve had the beer in his hand, as we rounded the corner of the building there was MR. KIM. after we left he stood by the edge of the building to make sure we got home safely, WHAT HE SAW KILLED HIM, KILLED ME, KILLED STEVE. i have never wanted to feel so invisible in my life. we didn't cry but we both were. mr. kim was more than upset, he was dissappointed, I AM THAT SHIT KID, thats the truth. mr. kim offered the job back, even after this shit, our parents had to find out about what we did and then he'd give us our job back. Mr. Kim forgave us. it killed him and he forgave us. there was no way i could take the job back, or let
alone show my face.
as weeks and months went by, whenever my parents would go in the store for whatever reason Mr. Kim would always say, "i haven't seen jesse, he's more than welcome here, he made a mistake and i forgive him". everytime he'd say this, rotating between my mom and dad, and they'd relay the message to me. he's a bigger man than i, cause it only made things worse everytime.
i'm 22, that was 8th grade, I HAVE NOT LAYED A FOOT IN SINCE. when Mr. Kim saw us stealin his beer, all i wanted to do was dissappear, SO I DID. i killed that part of me, i've conditioned myself to never over come this. all it does is hurt. forever. and like my cyst, i have to live with it, it doesn't matter what i want, its not an option, its the way it is (on a side note: i've burnt one of these bridges with one of my best friends but thats not what this is about)
my point being, i've surrounded myself with party stores, so many i don't even want to go out. its doesn't matter what i want, how i feel, all i know how to do is hide. thats all i can offer. i've found better jobs, if you will, since then but I DONT DESERVE THEM. strait forward, dont' let me bullshit you, I'M A SHITASS GUY. don't look for anything unique or deep, I'M SHITTY. i can't even apologize, the life that surrounds me is one big party store. even if it may forgive me, I WON'T.
i lost an amazing job the other day. because i know better than to get a job. the job i lost prior to this, is the one i assumed i'd want for the rest of my life, even if i was taking some days off, or vacation time. its scary as fuck gettin into a new job, that i didn't see coming, and actually caring for it. i don't expect anyone to understand. but i don't have a choice, i never did, and i still don't. my happiness has never mattered. other peoples do. i do what i have to, not what i want, i owe it to others. and thats the TRUTH. whether i like it or not people count on me.
THINK FOR THE WHOLE AND ONLY MAKE MYSELF UNHAPPY- thats how it is, its as simple as that.
i'm sittin here wanting nothing more than to just dissappear. in the course of my entire life, nothing has felt as shitty as last night. i didn't avoid that dog crossing auburn, i hit it, and i'll keep replaying that in my mind. we drove away safe, but we really didn't. I FEEL LIKE IT WAS ME SOMETIMES CROSSING THAT ROAD, TRYING TO HIDE FROM THE HEADLIGHTS OF SOMETHING I NEVER SAW COMING. if it were up to me, I WOULDN'T HAVE MOVED. i would have embraced the hit, let it split me wide open showing everything. but its not up to me, in the end, i was CROSSING the road, i have people waiting for me on the other side, whether i like it or not. "think for the whole and only make myself unhappy"
all metaphors aside, RUN ME OVER, i won't move. if you're goin to hit me, make sure i don't get up, cause i'm done, i can't willingly stop.
i'm sorry mr. kim,
-just a shitty guy
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